Ortho's guide to Southern Thailand

The following is a humoristic travel guide, based upon what my wife and I experienced during a trip in the south of Thailand, in November 2002. Everything is correct, although some facts are abusively generalized. This is probably not very clear, so read on ...

Traveling to Thailand
You will land a bit late at Bangkok airport, so that you will be sure that you will miss the connecting flight. No need to worry: checking 5' before the planned departure is OK and, if you realize then that you picked (in the hurry) a wrong Kipling bag after hand-bagage control, they will wait for you until you exchange the bag with the rightful owner (who, by the way, is taking the same flight as you).

Essential things to bring with you
A lot of sun protection lotion, and a good umbrella (for the rain).

Weather
Hot. It rains every day, but days without sun are rare. Moonsoon rains are very heavy, but of short duration. If you have the opportunity to photograph a nice sunset, don't hesitate: that opportunity may not come back.

Festivals

Loy Krathong takes place on the day of the full moon, in November. It honours the goddess of water. The Krathong is a small boat (made usually with banana leaves), containing a candle and incense. People unload, symbolically, their worries and problems in the Krathong, and release it in a stream, river, ... (or on the swimming pool, in our case).

Driving
Driving is normally on the left, but Thais use the full width of the road. There is a lot of motorbikes. Dogs sleep in the middle of the road.

Food
They do not seem to make a difference between appetizers and main dishes: you eat a bit a everything, in any order. Local food is excellent, and very inexpensive: around 1€ for a dish in a simple restaurant, the double in touristic places, and five times more if you insist for western fast food.

Shopping
A woman should not buy clothes, unless there is someone nearby ready to raise her spirits after that horrible experience: she will try a M size (like she does at home), just to find out that it is much too small. A size L or XL would be more adequate (Thai woman are small). A warning to her partner: after that, she will want to buy jewelry. It is a good thing that the very nice jewelry shop in Krabi is difficult to find.

Your hotel

Beautiful, very comfortable, with lots of flowers. It offered a splendid view on the beach, but they are building a new hotel just in front.
The airco is set for a freezing temperature. You have a lot of channels on television (including western ones), and you have also in-house films. Unfortunately you never know the end, because they are on multiple VCD's and they probably lost VCD#2.
There is an Internet corner but the PC's have QWERTY keyboards, with the full assortment of Thai signs.

Local guides
Very helpful, but with a limited knowledge of English. It is advised that you read Travel Books beforehand, so that you will have a chance to understand the guide if he happened to read the same Travel Book as you.

Fauna
Don't squash cockroaches: some people consider them as pets. There are no nasty animals such as snakes, bloodsuckers, ... Monkeys wait until you feed them; but if they wait too long, they will help themselves. Many bats in the caverns.

Beaches
Most islands and beaches in the region of Krabi are part of a National Park. The advantage is that there is no waterski, no jetski, .... In counterpart, you may be asked an entrance fee.
Beaches and islands are reached by long-tailed boats.

Sightseeing

Krabi

A few kilometers from Krabi, there is the Tiger Cave on top of a hill. It is accessible through a stairway of 1237 steps, of variable height (some reach 40 cm). You will probably want to stop the ascension after 300 steps: be strong, and continue! The panorama on the top is fabulous. There is no cafetaria: this is a holy place. Going up was tough on your heart and breath, going down is tough on your knees.


Kaobab caves
On the road to Trang, below one of the gigantic limestone rocks. The first part of the visit is by foot, where you see lots of stalactites/mites. The second part, by boat, is not advised for people suffering from claustrophobia. There is a long section (300m?) where you have to lie on your back in the boat, with the guide (also lying down, of course) making the boat move by pushing with his hands against the rock, just a few centimeters above your heads.

Trang islands

An incredibly beautiful place, and few tourists. Koh Nook appears like a big limestone rock on the sea, but you can reach a small beach, inside. To do that, you have to swim in a tunnel 80m-long. The tunnel is curved so that, once inside, you don't see either the entrance or the exit, and you swim in total darkness. The guide told you to stay in the middle of the tunnel, but where is the middle in total obscurity? You find out very soon, when you bump you head on the rock. The small beach on fabulous: it is a the bottom of a pit, around 30m diameter, and maybe 100m deep. Even if you brought a camera (waterproof, of course) with you, it is impossible to photograph because what you need is a fisheye.
There are more accessible beaches on nearby islands, and nobody to bother you.

Phang Nga

A famous National, between Krabi and Phuket. It is also know because scenes of James Bond's 'Man with the golden gun' were shot there. The place is beautiful, but there too many tourists. There is a place nearby (Koh Pannyi) described as a fishing village, but converted into a food and souvenir place.

Phi Phi islands
Beautiful, but too many tourists. There are two islands: Phi Phi Don, with modern hippies and one-day tourists from Phuket, and Phi Phi Lee, which was the setting for 'The Beach', with Di Caprio. If you like unspoiled beaches, just stop at Bamboo island, not far.